Some days dawn messy and if I were to be honest, I’d have to admit there’s days where I only reach out for God when my plans are being threatened. There’s days where I find myself trying to manipulate God, as if repeating His name and chanting ‘please, please’ over and over again in my head will secure what I want. Because I still find myself fighting to hold onto my will and my way, still find myself fighting for control.

***

Control. For most of us, it’s been ingrained in our psyches that control equals safety. As long as I have control, it will all be ok. But it’s not long before one realizes that the more they try to control it, the more out of hand it gets, whatever ‘it’ is. We wrap ourselves up in the desperate pursuit to seize control, only to realize it is always just out of reach, simply not possible. It’s an endless cycle of trying to change the past, fix the present, and manipulate the future. And the more we try to manipulate the future, the more the present is lost beneath an un-ending wishlist of ‘ideals’. The present is never good enough when we loose ourselves in the whirlwind of attempting to control.

Really, it’s not just this frenzy to grasp control that sends panic through the heart. It’s the expectations we’ve built for ourselves and our lives. And when our expectations fall short of the standards we’ve set, we’re hit in the face with unanswered questions and doubt.

The truth is, most often those expectations aren’t just placed on our lives and ourselves. They are placed on God, and the real question that begs to be answered is, ‘Why did God fail me?’ or, ‘Why does God hate me?’ Because when God falls short of the expectations we’ve placed on Him, it feels we’ve been betrayed. 

But perhaps there are pieces of the picture that we’ve painted in the wrong color.

Because there’s some days when I find it hard to pick up the pen and draw a line connecting ‘good’ and ‘God’. The way life happens, it sometimes grows us up with warped views and misconceptions of who God is. And you can be told one thing all your life and never even think about it enough to question it. And for most Christians, that’s what love is. This ‘love’ word is tossed around—used, misused, and overused.

Every person has a picture of God, yet maybe we’ve allowed our circumstances to determine our view of God and love. 

Maybe you’ve used your experiences to paint your picture of God with an angry and dissatisfied visage. Maybe you’ve allowed your pain to color His character dark. Maybe you’ve let your failed expectations name Him as someone who fails you. Maybe your heartache has given Him an appearance of indifference. Maybe your fears have constructed a God that abandons you and does things on purpose to ‘teach you a lesson’. Maybe it’s been someone else’s broken story that has built your idea of who God is. Or perhaps you’ve based your conceptions of God on someone else’s misconceptions.

And sometimes it takes a storm to shatter our misconceptions and preconceived ideas of who we think God is.

Sometimes, it’s essential that we go back to the very beginning and redefine who God is.

Because perhaps LOVE is bigger than our pain.

It’s not that God doesn’t want me to be happy, or that my plans and desires are never His, but that perhaps LOVE is bigger than to allow me to blindly think that I can manipulate God. Perhaps LOVE is bigger than to let me believe that security is attained by having control. Perhaps LOVE is bigger than allowing me to live life with clenched fists. If I persist in my own way, He will allow it, because LOVE is all about free choice. But if He can and needs to send an earthquake to loosen my grip, He will.

Because LOVE is bigger.

It’s not that God doesn’t ever want to give me what I desire. It’s that He wants me to live life with open hands and an open heart. And as the lyrics to this song state, when I give up, I gain.

I Give Up-Laura Story

I belong, I belong

To the maker of earth and seas

Who’s as rich as a king

Yet so gentle and kind towards me

I am not cared for by a servant hired

But a shepherd who would leave the ninety-nine

So when I give up, I gain

When I let go of having my own way

When I learn to see my surrender as a brand new start

To know the fullness of my father’s heart

I will rest, I will rest

Not in worldly security

Not in what I may try to control that’s controlling me

What if faith is simpler than I’ve made it be

Just a simple trusting in your love for me

For when I give up, I gain

When I let go of having my own way

When I learn to see my surrender as a brand new start

To know the fullness of my father’s heart

So here’s my life to take

Though you’ve heard this prayer a thousand other days

Make this moment more than just empty words I say

Let it be a start

To know the fullness of my father’s heart

Take my life and let it be

Consecrated Lord, to thee

Love is bigger than your pain. Love is bigger than your wounds. When you see your story in the light of LOVE, those deep-rooted expectations slowly dissolve away. When you give God the pen and let Him write your story instead of clinging to the pretense of control, instead of clenching the pen and letting the ink run messy and thick—you will find that each line of your story fits into His story of redemption. Each of your shattered pieces He will make into a beautiful mosaic.

Because, LOVE is bigger than your brokenness.